Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts

Thursday, February 3, 2022

When God isn't Good




Over the past 24 hours, I've received blessing after blessing and it's been overwhelming, so much that, I told my mom not to allow another one to come my way!

God. Is. Good.

Growing up in a home that challenged me and has residual ghosts that haunt me - there may have been times I didn't even believe God was there.  In a marriage laced with betrayal and selfishness, yet one I wanted to save - as it was deteriorating, God wasn't good.

When my heart hurt after my Grandpa got promoted to Heaven and in the moments I've missed him so very much - his embrace, his words - God wasn't fair.

When the pregnancy tests came up negative, God wasn't good.

When I got laid off due to a lack of need as an interpreter in a school, God wasn't good.

......it's ok to feel like that.  As parents, we know sometimes, our kids aren't happy with us. Sometimes they wish we wouldn't have said the hard thing, enforced the hard consequence, pointed out the hard truth. Sometimes, to our children...we. aren't. good.

But the fact of the matter is - the truth of every situation is: we are good. We are created in Divinity with purpose. God's creations are good.

My challenges growing up have given me an extra sensitivity towards chidren and a super-human power to shower them with love. God. Is. Good.

My marriage gave me an opportunity to pause, reflect, and make changes - fine tuning my character, gaining a testimony of marriage, and lightening my soul - even getting closer to my Savior.  God. Is. Good.

My love for my Grandpa is a template of safety that I seek after. My loss reminds me there's hope and gives me a reason to stay on the strait and narrow so I can see him again. And I will. I will see Grandpa again and be in his arms once more. God. Is. Good.

My babies that aren't here - they were spared the heartache of divorce, abuse, and infidelity and everything that comes with it. Because of their delayed arrival, I have been given the opportunity to love SO many children who call me theirs and I call them mine. Each and every one of them I love deeply and I wouldn't trade one of them for anything different. Not one. God. Is. Good.

When I got laid off, I was motivated to get my teaching certificate and apply to graduate school. I eventually was able to have my dream job and taught high school before making a career change and attaining the knowledge and confidence that I can overcome obstacles when I want something bad enough, as I was accepted into the graduate program. God. Is. Good.

Recently, I started planning a move and in the past 24 hours I had a sweet friend tell me she doesn't worry about her finances after her husband leaving us too soon because of what we established as a team, I was able to navigate auto insurance with someone I call a friend who's an expert in her field in a way that wasn't overwhelming, I was able to see an unexpected impact for being me in a group where I didn't think what I did mattered, I was greeted with friends who are going to help me with my move which will save me some money, I was able to pay a security deposit and my savings and have money left over, I was able to get a slightly earlier move in date, I was able to save some funds through a scheduling mix up with my counselor that I can use towards my new adventure, I was able to meet an amazing family in Utah that I'm excited to get to know, I am able to step into a leadership role with something I'm passionate about, and through it all - God. Is. Good.

It's ok if you think He's not. He understands. He knows that whatever you're going through isn't good. Just like my kids know, sometimes .. things aren't good. But - that's the circumstance not the individual. God. Is. Good.  We're created in His image, therefore - you, me - we. Are. Good.


#sparkleon

Thursday, June 18, 2020

Raspberries? More like oranges!

With all of the races being cancelled, my motivation to train has been kaput. Well, that's not good - especially if I'm trying to get better, healthier, and be the best me. Living the Word of Wisdom (Law of Health) https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/gospel-topics/word-of-wisdom?lang=eng is a big thing, and I have the desire - but the motivation is what's often lacking. Especially at 5:45 in the morning after a restless sleep.

Well, kicking these issues in the pants, slowly. I'd been thinking about getting a weighted blanket for a while, then my sister-friend was out and about and saw one, asked me if I wanted her to pick it up - I said SURE! https://www.target.com/p/48-34-x-72-34-essentials-12lbs-weighted-blanket-gray-tranquility/-/A-79230382

I slept great that night.  I forgot to turn the air down another night and it was at 80, I was thinking the blanket was what was making me hot! Haha....

Step two is diffusing something ...now, I'm not completely sold on every single oil out there, I'm not the FDA, and blah - HOWEVER, DoTERRA has one for upset tummies that is a MIRACLE called Digest Zen - I said goodbye to Pepto 4 years ago and haven't looked back! My sweet friend has been educating me about other oils and things for general health, too https://www.amazingearthgifts.com/ I've never been a fan of putting medicines into my body - I know, I know..If I'm not eating organic, etc. etc....but, I control what makes sense and is not overwhelming to me - I value the body God has made and given me, and I think it's pretty stinking amazing at all it can do! I was in a crazy accident on New Years Eve and, though I still have bruises from it, I'm pretty much recovered and haven't even noticed the scar on my right eyelid recently - if you saw my car and my bruises, it's a miracle, no joke.






Well, next was nutrition - I DON'T like cooking. Nope, nope, nope. That's on my list - to have a personal chef. For now, it's moi. I found this meal plan online and have adapted it a pinch here and there, but it's been great!  I love having things prepared and ready for me to grab - thinking one day, shopping one day, cooking one day, eating 7 days! No last minute unhealthy decisions.


The health journey actually started when my brother introduced me to who has become a good friend, inspiration, and a great coach when I was eating a hamburger bun, blueberries, and peanut butter for lunch....he's amazing, encouraging, a great dad and husband - and passionate about what he gets to do. https://chris.optavia.com/chris/optaviacommunity/optaviacommunity

I have another friend who is a health coach, as well - Dani, she's amazing, too. I got some great recipes from her, and the two programs would marry themselves together. For me, I use ALL the information I learned from BOTH coaches to work towards my healthy. https://essentialwellnesswithdani.com/dani-shahan/

Mental Health - I've been through some crap and go to counseling every week. It's a beautiful thing. https://www.randigraycounseling.com/ and I'm grateful for the funds to go.

Ugh - so sleep - working on it. Nutrition - working on it! Mental and Emotional - progress. Fitness, in the physical sense. Though I'm not a "regular" cuz of my laziness...I LOVE CrossFit Solid Gold.  There are a bunch in this area - Incite, Preferred, Magestic...just toss it in the Google and you'll find some.  Josh Barney and Becky Preece are pretty cool in my book.  This isn't a gym box where you have to feel intimidated, it's family friendly, all types of people go there...CrossFit can be intimidating when you don't understand it, this gym is one of my favorites. You pay for what you get - if you want a 24/7 place, LA Fitness (I did time here - I liked the movie room and the track, thought it got go HOT, upstairs, and the pool!), Planet Fitness, and EOS - which I've heard great things about.  I like the idea of kickboxing and have secret MMA dreams, but..lack the discipline - anyways, with this small box, you get pretty much 1:1 coaching, even through the pandemic crazy, they are known in the world, and it's relaxed https://www.facebook.com/crossfitsolidgold/

Well...with working out, being old, and all that...sometimes you need a PT - that's where Dr. Brianne Showman comes in with Get Your Fix https://getyourfixpt.com/ she has a super informative podcast, YouTube channel, offers SO much - from programming, nutritional coaching, to downright simple - "Hey, I'm broken...what can you do?"

Lotsa name drops today - but being an Amanda isn't easy. I asked my brother once, "How many people do you think it takes to raise an Amanda, 500?" His reply, "....Thousand" - if you didn't catch that, 500,000 ;-)  SO, these are a few of my peeps that keep me going!  They're not just people who keep me going, but they're my friends, too.

Now to what the title is about...let's just say, me N CrossFit became friends on a new level today, with 200ish AbMat sit ups...I'll just leave this right here for you....


Ever get the burns on your elbows after plank-ups? Yeah...that, on your hiney. It's a real thing, folks. Be prepared.

I had a triathlete in my life at one point - I'd introduced him to baby powder and he discovered a product he swore by...I must say, I stopped at Walmart on the way in to the office to see if they had any, sadly - no! BUT - I'm a gonna find me some and keep it in my gym bag...cuz...bum burn, it's a real thing!


So - there you go, my lovely people!  Sparkle on!

Dying in the Desert


    Ok, so - haha! Apparently, I was SO dead, I completely forgot to tell the story of DEATH in the desert. Thanks to CK for telling me I had NO WORDS here, haha. Here's the words:

About a year ago, I was supposed to race with some friends - but for various reasons, I couldn't. Well, the day of one of those races, I was gonna show someone I could do it - so I did a 10 mile run in the desert about a year ago. Well, fast forward to me finding some new friends who enjoy all the things, and we thought it a good idea to go hiking!

I couldn't remember where I'd been before, but I remembered it was a there-and-back, so I shared the approximate location to the best of my recollections and KN found, what we thought was, the path. The review on All Trails https://www.alltrails.com/ had said it wasn't shady and there were a lot of people..and, it was 14 miles.

See, here's the thing - I can't say I've EVER done 14 miles...not STRAIGHT!!!!  I've collected that, plus some, over about 14 hours - so I was starting to get nervous the night before...I text KN and she said not to fret, it was for fun. PHEW!

When we pulled to the trailhead, it didn't look right - so - THANKFULLY, I log my activities using Strava and/or Runkeeper (yes, I run them simultaneously to make sure there's a system of checks and balances.) SO - because of this, I was able to go back in my history to last July and find the pin! Success. For future reference, it's this:


A bit of backstory - my friend...and I...we're not from these parts. We knew there was a "heat advisory" and figured, hey - we wake up early enough, we'll beat the heat! We calculated when to wake up and were on the road by 5:05 AM.  We miiiiight have taken a wrong turn/missed an exit that isn't actually there going northbound on the 202 on the east side of the valley...so we didn't arrive at our said place and start hiking until just before 6:00AM.


The thing about there-and-backs...you just go THERE and you can go THERE as long as you want to go - at about 4.47 miles, we looked at each other with some fierce determination that we were going to do 10 miles today, so - that we did, we ventured forth until HER keeper said 5 miles because...well, my trusty plan? I forgot to click on my Runkeeper annnnd....Strava took a small vacation in the middle. Apparently, it's been having some issues and if you were tracking us, it looks like we went diagonally across the desert in a perfectly straight line. There was no perfection about our hike and it was NOT straight ;p

Along the way, we spied some amazing cacti - had some great conversations about...well, life! The best part of hiking, right?


After we kicked some 5 mile dust, we took a break - at this point, I realized how brilliant my mate is - she had a pair of socks to change into! This is when I started typing things into my phone, oh - and, when we started to notice - hmm, it's starting to feel a bit toasty. Thank goodness we were on THIS trail that offered a respite of shade from a mountain on the way THERE.

After eating my FAVORITE Honey Stinger Waffle and some jelly things from my last race https://www.honeystinger.com/ that were SO scrumdidliumptious, we decided it was now time for the BACK portion. 5 miles, we got this.


Well - ever been in AZ...the HOT doesn't happen until midday - hence the reason behind waking up early and heading to the desert. Well - PSA here...at this moment of the hike, about 8am...it was about 97 degrees....and it clicked....hmm...a HEAT advisory means issss gonna be hot EARLY and y'all can't escape the Crock-Pottiness of this AMAZINGLY freakishly living convection oven that is called Mesa, AZ on a map.

Breaks started getting more frequent as KN wasn't doing so well and that energy from the most perfectly made waffle in the world (though it crumbles under the pressure - Honey Stinger, if you're reading this - ya gotta work on the crumb-ility of your product if you're gonna market to us racers who put these things in pockets and crevices to keep the with us for our times of need.)


It doesn't really matter how much water you have when the sun is eating you like a kid eats Oreo ice cream...there came a time where I got the chills...and the headache above my ears...and I knew, things were looking grave. My pack? I got this for my longer races, I LOVE it - there's room to store snacks and such - maybe not a bajillion things, but enough. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01LLO83WA/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o01_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Me n KN took a break under a patch of shade - you become SUPER grateful for ANY shade in this crockpot, I think we stopped beneath a mesquite tree...I was ready to take a nap (red flag, btw...don't take naps in the desert when it's 100+ degrees)...when the timer went off after our break, she heard a car and said she'd LITERALLY prayed for someone to come give us a ride...I prayed if it was His will, we'd get a ride - or, no ride if we were supposed to learn something.

Well, they slowed down enough for us to ask for a ride - but they were going "far out there" and couldn't turn around - and two more cars followed. Well, poo. Then, like it was the movies - a whole JEEP club pulls up! Miracle of miracles - this whole time, we're checking in with each other to make sure we're ok getting into some complete stranger's car - as long as she wasn't alone and I wasn't alone - I was game.  So, KN walks over to the lead Jeep...tells them our story, asks them to have mercy upon our ever withering and perishing souls, please have grace and pity and drive us the last mile...

"Sorry, we don't have room. It's less than a mile, you'll be fine." Maybe those weren't the exact words, but that was that.  10 cars had come...and we were a going BACK and it was apparent to me in this, our time of ever so much need, the Lord had a lesson for us.  I'm still not sure what that lesson was - but I'm sure it'll hit me in the head like a 2x4 someday.

We took breaks about every..heck, I don't even know - but by this time, we're past 9:00 AM. Those of y'all thinking, "It was only 9, suck it up buttercups!" The PRACTICAL lesson we learned? When it says HEAT ADVISORY - just don't. Stay home, go swimming, reverse what it's like to live in a snowy blizzard fest of Central and Northwest Ohio (my home) and stay in, well - at least where air conditioning is plentiful, water is cold, and if you take a nap, the vultures won't wake you by picking at your eyeballs...assuming you wake.

I knew with every fiber of my being, BECAUSE Father had sent so many vehicles, His message was loud and clear - YOU will do this and you CAN. So, I knew because of that that day wouldn't be on the right hand of my dash. It didn't make it less difficult. I still had the phantom goose bumps from heat exhaustion.

But - yes. You've guessed it - maybe because I'm writing this, maybe because you read my other post that came after this, maybe because you have faith that could swallow up a mustard seed - I'm not sure. BUT, KN and I - we conquered. We prevailed. We did HARD things.  She shared with me that until that day, the hardest thing she'd done was Flat Iron. She wants to go on Ebay or something and get a medal and make a design over the top of it and create a finisher medal for our 10 miles of death. I told her I wanted in on that.

We learned - doesn't matter how early you wake up on crock-pot days - it's already too late. Pack a change of socks cuz that'd be a nice refreshing thing. Place the bladder of your pack spout up halfway filled with water the night before to have cold water and coldness on your back while you're hiking...pack an apple, beef jerky (maybe we were craving salt?), hat, sunglasses, put a cold water bottle (frozen) in a cooler to be waiting in the car for you (It'll be melted and sweaty, but will be perfect and you'll welcome it's embrace), electrolytes, a squirt bottle, a small fan ON the squirt bottle, an umbrella (it's a thing! Those people aren't crazy walking around shielding themselves from the downpour of sunshine, they're GENIUSES!), hydrate DAYS before and fuel properly, TP, and a wipe (no story behind it, just security.)

It never dawned on me - der, Amanda - umm, you start hydrating the Wednesday before a Saturday race. I had one ick race with my buddy when it was the hottest day of the year thus far - and, of course, it went down the next day for what seemed like another month - so, I learned...but, my point - I KNEW I was going to hike that Saturday, but I didn't prepare.  Now, that wouldn't have alleviated the heat or anything, but I'm sure it would have helped :D

That's the story of dying in the desert folks. I don't recommend it, but if you're like me and are an experiential learner, well....remember:

You can do hard things, too. Just make sure it's not with a heat advisory.

Sparkle on!

Tuesday, March 24, 2020

Getting Real

So, I woke up and was thinking  - "A dangerous past time..I know" - and something came to me! Well, I kept it to myself, then I watched this ever-so-spot on video

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IDPDEKtd2yM

This guy hit so many nails straight on their little heads.  Then - it hit me - I need to create a team! A team that proudly wears purple for domestic violence awareness and prevention as well as green for mental health awareness. Ba BOOM! Unite the two causes that are near and dear to my heart with racing!  Now - the planning of it all - uniforms, media, planning which races to attend, training, etc.

Now - the why. Ugh...time to get moderately vulnerable without writing a novel.  Thing is - this is my year. I thought 2015 was "The Year of Amanda" - but, it's really 2020. Heck, it'll probably be 2021 and so on.  I recently had a friend who had some life things happen and he declared it his year - but here's the thing...YES, you can define the parameters of your year - but "YoA" wasn't started to take advantage of, manipulate, or be mean to others. YoA - or whatever yours is - is to EMPOWER YOU - not steal joy from others. Just remember that, please?

My scoop in a nutshell - I'll be 41 in May. True story. I have battled anxiety and depression, been told by other unhealthy people I could be bipolar - but all things I've been working through.  I've had the panic attacks where you can't breathe, I've had the overwhelming emotion where I just needed to escape the building I was in, I've had the heaviness of the world on my shoulders. I've been in counseling...aka therapy, I suppose, for a pinch more than a year.  My life hasn't been as hard as some, but hasn't been a cake walk. Fortunately, my rockin' professional has walked me through so much that has happened and I stand/sit before you with a HUGE appreciation of the profession. I've lived the "you're not good enough, you can't do anything right, why did you even get out of bed this morning" life. There's been physical abuse, mental abuse, psychological abuse, emotional abuse....

Take this on for size - you stubbed your toe on the bed. Your toe healed, right? How did that affect your behavior? Which had the lasting impact? So often, we talk about physical - but the physical heals. Our body involuntarily heals itself. Our mind - sometimes we breeze through things and we don't deal with them - maybe we don't know how. Maybe it's all too painful...maybe it's everything. No wonder it can feel like suffocating and the desire for freedom is so intense, and we want it so badly, it seems hopeless...

Heck, I wanted to be a school counselor to be able to get to the kiddos who were going through stuff and needed an adult friend/advocate to help them through their stuff.  We don't talk about mental health in aPpRoPrIaTe ways enough. We talk about disorders and labels, but we LABEL. We still look down upon things. Though it's lessening, there is still a stigma.

Recently, I watched "Dear Evan Hansen." REMARKABLE in so many ways. C'mon, people! No one should feel like their "Waving Through a Window." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kfnMvo87fQU

We're currently in the midst of a pandemic - it's not COVID-19. EVERYone is talking about that. If mental health and domestic violence were spoken about as much as politics and the coronavirus, we'd be living in a safer world. I don't mean free from Robocop types of violence, I mean safe in our vulnerability. https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability?language=en Safe to be us. Safe to freaking screw up and know we're going to still be loved.

I've watched some of my best friends and family members COMPLETELY self destruct because they didn't know how to confront the demons they carried - I understand it can feel suffocating and beyond manageable. In the TED talk, this hit me - something along these lines, "Are you really done living, or are you done feeling that way?"

I will be uniting my passions  - a lime green and purple team that TALKS! Because, frankly, sometimes that's all we need. Love!

Live Loved, my friends https://www.amazon.com/Uninvited-Living-Loved-When-Lonely-ebook/dp/B01864DVG6

Sparkle on.