The Flesh

I feel like sometimes we are too narrow-minded when we think about "of the flesh" -it's truly such a deep topic.. Triggers, distortions, depression, etc. Here are (some of) my reflections:

Over the weekend, watching conference, one thing that kept coming to mind was that "of the flesh" and any reference to that isn't just related to physical pleasure in a sexual sense - allowing any experience that isn't wholesome / aligned with God to influence us or detract from His Truth is "of the flesh." When our core memories are anything but  Godly purpose and intention, they are "of the flesh."

Childhood experiences that smear our thinking - "of the flesh." We're a fresh canvas when we are children and what we're exposed to becomes our "truth"... OUR truth but not THE truth.

So, if something adverse happens to us, that's what we come to accept and believe we deserve. Unless we repair/dissolve that "lie" or corruption, it becomes a limitation. If we're approached with or offered something that stretches beyond that pre-set limit, our flesh rejects it.

Whatever happened to cause this limitation hurt us, therefore as a way to protect ourselves we formulate many different ways to keep situations within parameters we can control as to not get hurt again. This self limiting behavior doesn't allow our FULL self to be touched - we cut off a part of ourselves (the hurt part) that's never allowed to be touched again. The problem is, our soul feels the vacancy/ void in our spirit that this creates. We enter into spiritual deprivation. We either try to satiate this soulful desire with shallow things of the world (relationships (both romantic and platonic), approval from others, substances, self-serving bahaviors, impure service, etc. ) which offer temporary relief, or we need to heal it for lasting happiness, a fulness of joy.

How I fill my void is with people instead of turning to God; "of the flesh" is by loving children like I wanted to be loved and "joining" families to have what I didn't have, replacing it with what I yearn for. Nothing I, Amanda, can ever do can erase or change what happened. Nothing I can do is lasting.

When we're young, we're the most vulnerable and what we experienced is what we believe we deserve. If it hurt us, we put up walls and barriers that "keep us safe" but in actuality blocks out what we TRULY deserve - the love of God and God-like love.

Our capacity to receive love is limited to what we control, it is not full so we find ourselves reaching out and collecting everything except that which will fill that void. Until we heal from the false belief of what we think we deserve, trust, and open the gates to the ACTUAL truth, allowing the Savior's love to wash through us, we will be "of the flesh" and less than full.

We create a "false bottom" and below the bottom, the part we're trying to fill, is actually below/ beneath/ under / underneath the bottom.

It will take an act of faith, trust, surrender.  We guard that hurt part so intensely, to open it up again seems nearly impossible. Imagine the Savior as a filter sifting through our soul, removing our impurities, and replacing the space that is created by the removal of these things with His love. His healing, transformative, changing love.

In order to "feel full" we must allow ourselves to do the very thing that goes against what we vowed we'd never do - take a risk and allow entrance into the false bottom of our soul. Only then will we start to heal. Only then will we be whole. Only then will we find true joy. Only then, by drinking of the Living water and allowing it to wash over us in our entirety and fill every crack, only then when we allow it into a place too tender for a mortal to near - the gentleness of the Savior's touch can heal. Only then have we TRULY surrendered. Only then will we know the TRUTH of all things: of who we are and of what we deserve.

In conference it was mentioned we can pray to see us as we are - we can see us with our false bottom, a false image of our creation marred by the flesh of others and ourselves - and we can ALSO see what God sees and saw when He created us and what we could become. Only then will we be free from the bondage and controlling desire and to fill the void. Only then will we be free.

When God isn't Good

Over the past 24 hours, I've received blessing after blessing and it's been overwhelming, so much that, I told my mom not to allow another one to come my way!

God. Is. Good.

Growing up in a home that challenged me and has residual ghosts that haunt me - there may have been times I didn't even believe God was there.  In a marriage laced with betrayal and selfishness, yet one I wanted to save - as it was deteriorating, God wasn't good.

When my heart hurt after my Grandpa got promoted to Heaven and in the moments I've missed him so very much - his embrace, his words - God wasn't fair.

When the pregnancy tests came up negative, God wasn't good.

When I got laid off due to a lack of need as an interpreter in a school, God wasn't good.

......it's ok to feel like that.  As parents, we know sometimes, our kids aren't happy with us. Sometimes they wish we wouldn't have said the hard thing, enforced the hard consequence, pointed out the hard truth. Sometimes, to our children...we. aren't. good.

But the fact of the matter is - the truth of every situation is: we are good. We are created in Divinity with purpose. God's creations are good.

My challenges growing up have given me an extra sensitivity towards chidren and a super-human power to shower them with love. God. Is. Good.

My marriage gave me an opportunity to pause, reflect, and make changes - fine tuning my character, gaining a testimony of marriage, and lightening my soul - even getting closer to my Savior.  God. Is. Good.

My love for my Grandpa is a template of safety that I seek after. My loss reminds me there's hope and gives me a reason to stay on the strait and narrow so I can see him again. And I will. I will see Grandpa again and be in his arms once more. God. Is. Good.

My babies that aren't here - they were spared the heartache of divorce, abuse, and infidelity and everything that comes with it. Because of their delayed arrival, I have been given the opportunity to love SO many children who call me theirs and I call them mine. Each and every one of them I love deeply and I wouldn't trade one of them for anything different. Not one. God. Is. Good.

When I got laid off, I was motivated to get my teaching certificate and apply to graduate school. I eventually was able to have my dream job and taught high school before making a career change and attaining the knowledge and confidence that I can overcome obstacles when I want something bad enough, as I was accepted into the graduate program. God. Is. Good.

Recently, I started planning a move and in the past 24 hours I had a sweet friend tell me she doesn't worry about her finances after her husband leaving us too soon because of what we established as a team, I was able to navigate auto insurance with someone I call a friend who's an expert in her field in a way that wasn't overwhelming, I was able to see an unexpected impact for being me in a group where I didn't think what I did mattered, I was greeted with friends who are going to help me with my move which will save me some money, I was able to pay a security deposit and my savings and have money left over, I was able to get a slightly earlier move in date, I was able to save some funds through a scheduling mix up with my counselor that I can use towards my new adventure, I was able to meet an amazing family in Utah that I'm excited to get to know, I am able to step into a leadership role with something I'm passionate about, and through it all - God. Is. Good.

It's ok if you think He's not. He understands. He knows that whatever you're going through isn't good. Just like my kids know, sometimes .. things aren't good. But - that's the circumstance not the individual. God. Is. Good.  We're created in His image, therefore - you, me - we. Are. Good.

#sparkleon

Listen

THOUGH I felt like the weakest link this past weekend with the guys, they treated me kindly and waited for me - even when I said - go forth!  Something about not running for ...months... and then being pushed brings out the, what I call, "running snots." But - know what? Without that awesome group - I wouldn't have known that I can push myself...I'm kinda lazy ;P It pushed me to get  back moving, though - not just with living room workouts, but back out there - to my *shudder* happy place of running in the morning dawn when it's cold and...perfect. Day 1. 2 min walk,  1 min run...supposed to be 10 rounds, but I think it ended up being 12 plus some extra cuz I wanted to hit 3 miles.

This morning, I did something I don't usually do..like, ever. I ran in silence.  I had my headphones in so that I could hear my timer (Gym Boss - thanks to Bri for the tip!) and all I could hear was my breathing and my feet on the pavement.

Typically, I listen to music - Pandora's running mix. Today, I decided to try and make an effort to experience what some talk about - clearing your head.  I can't honestly say if my head got cleared...but I did reflect on some recent conversations with folks...clutter. It's everywhere. It inhibits us from seeing the forest for the trees. It seems we become so hung up on this or that that we forget to count our blessings, see things for what they could be, take those risks - we find ourselves bypassing those moments where we could and SHOULD choose to trust that we just run through listening to the noise of the world around us: other people, our fears, our inhibitions, our doubts.  "Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith." Easier said than done, sometimes.

It's especially hard to focus on blessings when your world seems to be spinning and you can't find a focal point.  One of the thoughts I had this morning was: depression is real. Counting our blessings can't cure it. But, know the other thought I had? SOMETIMES life can be so suffocating - even a 2 second respite of counting our blessings is two seconds more than we may have had other wise. Maybe next time it turns into 2 minutes. 2 hours. 2 days. 2 weeks. 2 years. 2 decades. Eternity filled with gratitude.

This morning, in the silence... I pondered. I observed.

 I witnessed. I experienced. I'm not changed, but I was aware. I did hit a 7:58 sprint, so I was thrilled about that :D

 Maybe it's worth it - to clear out the noise. Even if it's just for 2 seconds. #Sparkleon

False Evidence Appearing Real.....?

 I was venting to a friend who said.."Hey, ya know...I haven't seen a blog post for a while - how about you take the time to get out all of your thoughts so they can stop circling in your head.." SO - in Amanda Fashion - brace yourself cuz I feel like I may be all over the place on this one.

Recently, we had General Conference - I've mentioned this in previous posts. (Side note - all jewelry just came off.  That's a tell of mine - if I'm anxious, jewelry comes off.)  To prepare for conference, I had a thought of when I had planted a garden as an effect from weeding - there were SO many weeds in my backyard, that when I pulled them all out - it looked like perfectly tilled soil, so - why not! And I did - it was stellar and I loved it! Well, my question for Father was: what do I need to weed out of my life in order to grow into who I'm meant to become?  Fear.

Fear - Gospel answers on how to erradicate such a disease are: pray. Trust. Read your scriptures. Lean on Him.  I don't discount those - but I AM human, this is part of the whole human experience. I've been in counseling for...6? of the past 7 years from shortly after my former husband declared divorce through the present.  It has been SUCH a blessing, I have evolved much and have done MUCH weeding.  But - ya know something? I think the weeds that have been pulled are those little ones....you know the ones - the one's that you just give a gentle tug and - oop! there they are, and they cease to exist. What's left are those grand-daddy weeds you need to dig up - the ones that are HUGE in their root system and you know if you're not careful, you can yank that puppy out but it'll come back if you don't demolish it - obliterate it down beneath the soil.

One of those weeds in my life....fear. Fear from a lifetime of trauma. There, I said it.  Life has been filled with good...and there are those moments ...well, trauma.  Things inflicted upon my being by outside forces who were supposed to protect, nurture, guide - teach me how to be a human... a spouse who followed the same pattern and a close friend who followed as well. FORTUNATELY - that counseling/therapy - whatever you want to call it - those patterns are getting thwarted and are becoming extinct...but what remains ...it could be devastating to the soul.

"Don't let your emotions control you," "If you knew you wouldn't fail, what would you do?" "Fear isn't real, don't let it control you" - but - HOW? How do you apply these things?  How do you find your brave? HOW do you channel the confidence that the Lord has in you and trust Him that He has your back when you've had a lifetime of forced independence that so often found you with knives sticking out of your back - the scars that are still there, the scabs barely formed ...and re-opening of some wounds?

I recently had become frustrated with a friend and asked, "What price are you willing to pay for your fear?"  It's LEGITAMATELY paralyzing - but how do you learn to walk again? #sparkleon

Full heart

 This is the end and a beginning. For the past year or more, I have had this team in my head. I still have NO idea what I'm doing. I got to a point last month where I'd decided....I'm going to make it happen. I reached out via FB for a graphic designer and found the phenomenal Eunice. She took my vision and made it more than anything I could have ever imagined.

When I first saw it - I was excited and the emotion got stuck. THEN - I sat down and just looked at the beauty. The symbolism. And I cried. I cried because I made something happen. I cried because, not only that - but...now my story will mean something.  I'm so excited to officially LAUNCH Race 2 Rise.

Race 2 Rise is open to anyone who is willing to be an advocate for health in the form of mental health advocacy and abuse prevention. I firmly believe that all forms of abuse could be eradicated if we focused on being mentally healthy. You'll notice the green in the logo, representing mental health. You'll see the purple which represents domestic violence and abuse awareness. You'll see blue at the center because children, youth, and childlike innocence is the core of our being. The gold and silver are royal colors, we are all royalty. You'll see a tear to mourn where we've come from and to show compassion for those still in their storm. Lastly - sparkle on her tummy and neck - our most vulnerable places - for when we allow vulnerability - we'll truly sparkle beyond anything imaginable. It doesn't matter your sport - as you sport the gear of R2R, you're going to promote conversations which foster awareness of these topics and this saves our brothers and sisters around the globe by giving them a safe space to talk, explore, and learn. I'm so excited to have you as a part of this! Please feel free to invite those you feel would be an asset to this team in promoting healthy conversations. Together we: Rise to Happy, Healthy, and Whole. #race2rise #savelivesandspirits #loveoneanother #starttheconversation #italk #sparkleon

Sassy Curls

My friend, CK, asks "Hey, any new blog posts lately?" And ...nope. So - thanks for keeping me on the up and up!

I haven't done much by way of my health since - October? The Halloweaver's Needle Hike. I think I've gone on one or two since, but nothing commited.

I was getting down, thinking - shoot! THIS time, last year - I was prepping for a year of Spartans, a few other races...and here I am - almost 20 lbs UP from where I was last year at this time, I think, and haven't seen the gym in 4 months - September!

Everyday was guilt I wasn't going to the gym - I shared a bit with my coach because we were supposed to have a 90 day review but there wasn't anything to review. I hesitated whether or not to share - so I did a pinch. I'll share a pinch here to give perspective and because #Italk and this is part of #mystory, where I've come from and how I'm learning to #sparkleon

See - whether or not it was intentional or not, the "gym" has become, in times of my life, an extremely unhealthy place for me that nearly extinuished my sparkle. Battling not being good enough, having my flame of desire and adventure nearly extinguished, paralyzing fear of failure, fear of not being loved, "earning" love through what I could do - pile that on to some distressing conditioning where they gym was the only place I could spend time with my husband when he wasn't out and about - but that came with "rules." Pile on top of that - the gym was a place where I saw unhealthy relationships form and families crumble as a result of this. Sure, there were underlying things - but an immense amount of anxiety had planted itself in my being - for more than "I'm worried I'll drop the bar on my foot."

Diverge with me for a moment - I have curly hair - true story!

So, when I got it cut - it was fun to have her style it straight. Well, OF COURSE the day I got it cut, it rained that night. Curls LOVE humidity. So - Thursday on my monthly trip to the temple, my sassy, unpredictable, multi-curl curly hair (I have waves, sausage curls, ringlets..upside down in the middle curls, no joke...) decided...Nope. I will not be straight. N.O. and, it revolted in it's own way.

I was sharing with some friends - I actually have really fine hair. My mom has the same. Mom can't get her hair to hold a curl, but...same texture with the curly genes, mine is crazy curly. I'm learning how to tame it in my old age, I didn't realize I even HAD curly hair until about 4.5 years ago! 

(this photo just because I thought it was pretty).

So - I was thinking about my sassy curl. Sometimes, we need to go against the grain, against the norm and stand out. Make a difference.

This year - my word is "Crescere." It is my favorite word in the Italian language. It could be translated as "to become." After toying around with a couple of others - I knew in my heart - this needs to be my focus this year.

I can't remember all of my words:Enough, Love, Crescere. My friend A.L. taught me about this idea of a word each year and I've been doing it ever since. I can't remember all of them...oops.

Well, now fast forward to this last picture. I have two friends, CP and HP who are health coaches and I decided, ok, I'll go back on program for a month...

Last year was all about love - giving...and welcoming. MM taught me that before the year had even kicked off, "I hope that, not only will you be able to love - but you'll find yourself able to receive love." She's brilliant.

When your heart has been hurt - it's hard to believe that the love coming your way is genuine, authentic, real.  I've taken a few "assessments" to see where I stand. "Are you willing to change?" What these assesments don't know is that, probably for a few years now, I've had an "Interactive Notebook of Amanda" with 5 areas for growth and I assess (in a perfect world) monthly on Fast Sunday.

 Anyways - so, my willingness to change? It's a never ending journey. So, full circle back to where we started. Friend, I don't know if you've ever had a a heart-racing, numbing, near tears experience when you were about to do something that you were scared to do - but you pushed through it? I've had...a lot. Championship hill at the sand dunes, last Saturday when a good ...there is no word how to describe he and his wife accurately..friend, leader, coach, etc. had...made...me lead our 2 Jeep squad out of Box Canyon on my very first journey as a driver four wheeling - like I imagine jumping out of a plane would feel..that feeling? Do you know about that feeling?

Well, that was me....Thursday night - one of my coaches reached out, "I'm coaching at 6 am, you should come!"..or something like that. I looked to see who of my peeps were going. Some of my favorite people who I went with in the summer were going to be there. "Okay. I signed up."

The next morning - my body woke up at 4:12, cuz...of course. But - though I was tempted to chicken out, I'd told my coach I was going...I had butterflies, I had the tingles through my body, I had the thoughts and inner fears...but, fortunately, my counselor "When you're feeling your balloon (of anxiety) get bigger....you've survived 100% of every time before!" So, I pushed myself out the door....nearly in tears because my "Fear" was definitely trying to abort the mission. As I pulled into the gym parking lot, I checked again to see who would be there - one more person, who - I was so grateful for and my heart needed that - instant tears, I wiped away - grabbed my waterbottle and headed in to the gym that has always felt like home, but I was scared to go to for all sorts of reasons.

Remember those people I shared about - the ones I was excited to see? They were happy to see me and offered "Welcome back!" Not - "Dang, you haven't been for a while, you suck..." or any other negative messages that were looming. I settled in - did the work out, modified ;-) and finished.  No one uttered, "You could have done better! You didn't push yourself. You weren't good enough. You don't belong here." Sounds silly? I'd heard that before - those words.

I share that to give you insight  - but also, I WILL launch my team this year, Race 2 Rise. And - as an ambassador for health - healthy relationships and a healthy self - I couldn't NOT share. I hope you see the difference - one approach and people were healthy. One - tried to steal my sparkle, or at least dull it.

So - sometimes, we need to be sassy, like my curls, to overcome a world that's tried to "straighten us out." When we do that in a healthy and positive way - we can, and we can help others, shine to our fullest brilliance..like CK, HP, CP, MM, BM, and my gym friends do for me. Looking back at the overwhelming emotion of going to the gym, it's hard to process or even accept that it's true, what it was like. Dear friend, that's what anxiety looks like. It's real. It may be "all in your head" but we're all learning how to plug through and curl when past experiences are trying to straighten us out. (I loved my straight hair, btw - this isn't about that :p)

So - here's my week: burn from the Jeep (I had to get under it to look for why it was being weird..and ..oops, that was hot), my hair!, after eating one of my favorite fuelings, and..if you look close enough - my wounds from some serious struggles between me and a jumprope!

Don't let anyone diminish your sparkle. Be your bad curly haired self and get out there and take on the world and become who you were meant to become. #sparkleon

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