Sassy Curls

My friend, CK, asks "Hey, any new blog posts lately?" And ...nope. So - thanks for keeping me on the up and up!

I haven't done much by way of my health since - October? The Halloweaver's Needle Hike. I think I've gone on one or two since, but nothing commited.

I was getting down, thinking - shoot! THIS time, last year - I was prepping for a year of Spartans, a few other races...and here I am - almost 20 lbs UP from where I was last year at this time, I think, and haven't seen the gym in 4 months - September!

Everyday was guilt I wasn't going to the gym - I shared a bit with my coach because we were supposed to have a 90 day review but there wasn't anything to review. I hesitated whether or not to share - so I did a pinch. I'll share a pinch here to give perspective and because #Italk and this is part of #mystory, where I've come from and how I'm learning to #sparkleon

See - whether or not it was intentional or not, the "gym" has become, in times of my life, an extremely unhealthy place for me that nearly extinuished my sparkle. Battling not being good enough, having my flame of desire and adventure nearly extinguished, paralyzing fear of failure, fear of not being loved, "earning" love through what I could do - pile that on to some distressing conditioning where they gym was the only place I could spend time with my husband when he wasn't out and about - but that came with "rules." Pile on top of that - the gym was a place where I saw unhealthy relationships form and families crumble as a result of this. Sure, there were underlying things - but an immense amount of anxiety had planted itself in my being - for more than "I'm worried I'll drop the bar on my foot."

Diverge with me for a moment - I have curly hair - true story!

So, when I got it cut - it was fun to have her style it straight. Well, OF COURSE the day I got it cut, it rained that night. Curls LOVE humidity. So - Thursday on my monthly trip to the temple, my sassy, unpredictable, multi-curl curly hair (I have waves, sausage curls, ringlets..upside down in the middle curls, no joke...) decided...Nope. I will not be straight. N.O. and, it revolted in it's own way.

I was sharing with some friends - I actually have really fine hair. My mom has the same. Mom can't get her hair to hold a curl, but...same texture with the curly genes, mine is crazy curly. I'm learning how to tame it in my old age, I didn't realize I even HAD curly hair until about 4.5 years ago! 

(this photo just because I thought it was pretty).

So - I was thinking about my sassy curl. Sometimes, we need to go against the grain, against the norm and stand out. Make a difference.

This year - my word is "Crescere." It is my favorite word in the Italian language. It could be translated as "to become." After toying around with a couple of others - I knew in my heart - this needs to be my focus this year.

I can't remember all of my words:Enough, Love, Crescere. My friend A.L. taught me about this idea of a word each year and I've been doing it ever since. I can't remember all of them...oops.

Well, now fast forward to this last picture. I have two friends, CP and HP who are health coaches and I decided, ok, I'll go back on program for a month...

Last year was all about love - giving...and welcoming. MM taught me that before the year had even kicked off, "I hope that, not only will you be able to love - but you'll find yourself able to receive love." She's brilliant.

When your heart has been hurt - it's hard to believe that the love coming your way is genuine, authentic, real.  I've taken a few "assessments" to see where I stand. "Are you willing to change?" What these assesments don't know is that, probably for a few years now, I've had an "Interactive Notebook of Amanda" with 5 areas for growth and I assess (in a perfect world) monthly on Fast Sunday.

 Anyways - so, my willingness to change? It's a never ending journey. So, full circle back to where we started. Friend, I don't know if you've ever had a a heart-racing, numbing, near tears experience when you were about to do something that you were scared to do - but you pushed through it? I've had...a lot. Championship hill at the sand dunes, last Saturday when a good ...there is no word how to describe he and his wife accurately..friend, leader, coach, etc. had...made...me lead our 2 Jeep squad out of Box Canyon on my very first journey as a driver four wheeling - like I imagine jumping out of a plane would feel..that feeling? Do you know about that feeling?

Well, that was me....Thursday night - one of my coaches reached out, "I'm coaching at 6 am, you should come!"..or something like that. I looked to see who of my peeps were going. Some of my favorite people who I went with in the summer were going to be there. "Okay. I signed up."

The next morning - my body woke up at 4:12, cuz...of course. But - though I was tempted to chicken out, I'd told my coach I was going...I had butterflies, I had the tingles through my body, I had the thoughts and inner fears...but, fortunately, my counselor "When you're feeling your balloon (of anxiety) get bigger....you've survived 100% of every time before!" So, I pushed myself out the door....nearly in tears because my "Fear" was definitely trying to abort the mission. As I pulled into the gym parking lot, I checked again to see who would be there - one more person, who - I was so grateful for and my heart needed that - instant tears, I wiped away - grabbed my waterbottle and headed in to the gym that has always felt like home, but I was scared to go to for all sorts of reasons.

Remember those people I shared about - the ones I was excited to see? They were happy to see me and offered "Welcome back!" Not - "Dang, you haven't been for a while, you suck..." or any other negative messages that were looming. I settled in - did the work out, modified ;-) and finished.  No one uttered, "You could have done better! You didn't push yourself. You weren't good enough. You don't belong here." Sounds silly? I'd heard that before - those words.

I share that to give you insight  - but also, I WILL launch my team this year, Race 2 Rise. And - as an ambassador for health - healthy relationships and a healthy self - I couldn't NOT share. I hope you see the difference - one approach and people were healthy. One - tried to steal my sparkle, or at least dull it.

So - sometimes, we need to be sassy, like my curls, to overcome a world that's tried to "straighten us out." When we do that in a healthy and positive way - we can, and we can help others, shine to our fullest brilliance..like CK, HP, CP, MM, BM, and my gym friends do for me. Looking back at the overwhelming emotion of going to the gym, it's hard to process or even accept that it's true, what it was like. Dear friend, that's what anxiety looks like. It's real. It may be "all in your head" but we're all learning how to plug through and curl when past experiences are trying to straighten us out. (I loved my straight hair, btw - this isn't about that :p)

So - here's my week: burn from the Jeep (I had to get under it to look for why it was being weird..and ..oops, that was hot), my hair!, after eating one of my favorite fuelings, and..if you look close enough - my wounds from some serious struggles between me and a jumprope!

Don't let anyone diminish your sparkle. Be your bad curly haired self and get out there and take on the world and become who you were meant to become. #sparkleon