Over the weekend, watching conference, one thing that kept coming to mind was that "of the flesh" and any reference to that isn't just related to physical pleasure in a sexual sense - allowing any experience that isn't wholesome / aligned with God to influence us or detract from His Truth is "of the flesh." When our core memories are anything but Godly purpose and intention, they are "of the flesh."
Childhood experiences that smear our thinking - "of the flesh." We're a fresh canvas when we are children and what we're exposed to becomes our "truth"... OUR truth but not THE truth.
So, if something adverse happens to us, that's what we come to accept and believe we deserve. Unless we repair/dissolve that "lie" or corruption, it becomes a limitation. If we're approached with or offered something that stretches beyond that pre-set limit, our flesh rejects it.
Whatever happened to cause this limitation hurt us, therefore as a way to protect ourselves we formulate many different ways to keep situations within parameters we can control as to not get hurt again. This self limiting behavior doesn't allow our FULL self to be touched - we cut off a part of ourselves (the hurt part) that's never allowed to be touched again. The problem is, our soul feels the vacancy/ void in our spirit that this creates. We enter into spiritual deprivation. We either try to satiate this soulful desire with shallow things of the world (relationships (both romantic and platonic), approval from others, substances, self-serving bahaviors, impure service, etc. ) which offer temporary relief, or we need to heal it for lasting happiness, a fulness of joy.
How I fill my void is with people instead of turning to God; "of the flesh" is by loving children like I wanted to be loved and "joining" families to have what I didn't have, replacing it with what I yearn for. Nothing I, Amanda, can ever do can erase or change what happened. Nothing I can do is lasting.
When we're young, we're the most vulnerable and what we experienced is what we believe we deserve. If it hurt us, we put up walls and barriers that "keep us safe" but in actuality blocks out what we TRULY deserve - the love of God and God-like love.
Our capacity to receive love is limited to what we control, it is not full so we find ourselves reaching out and collecting everything except that which will fill that void. Until we heal from the false belief of what we think we deserve, trust, and open the gates to the ACTUAL truth, allowing the Savior's love to wash through us, we will be "of the flesh" and less than full.
We create a "false bottom" and below the bottom, the part we're trying to fill, is actually below/ beneath/ under / underneath the bottom.
It will take an act of faith, trust, surrender. We guard that hurt part so intensely, to open it up again seems nearly impossible. Imagine the Savior as a filter sifting through our soul, removing our impurities, and replacing the space that is created by the removal of these things with His love. His healing, transformative, changing love.
In order to "feel full" we must allow ourselves to do the very thing that goes against what we vowed we'd never do - take a risk and allow entrance into the false bottom of our soul. Only then will we start to heal. Only then will we be whole. Only then will we find true joy. Only then, by drinking of the Living water and allowing it to wash over us in our entirety and fill every crack, only then when we allow it into a place too tender for a mortal to near - the gentleness of the Savior's touch can heal. Only then have we TRULY surrendered. Only then will we know the TRUTH of all things: of who we are and of what we deserve.
In conference it was mentioned we can pray to see us as we are - we can see us with our false bottom, a false image of our creation marred by the flesh of others and ourselves - and we can ALSO see what God sees and saw when He created us and what we could become. Only then will we be free from the bondage and controlling desire and to fill the void. Only then will we be free.
