I was venting to a friend who said.."Hey, ya know...I haven't seen a blog post for a while - how about you take the time to get out all of your thoughts so they can stop circling in your head.." SO - in Amanda Fashion - brace yourself cuz I feel like I may be all over the place on this one.
Recently, we had General Conference - I've mentioned this in previous posts. (Side note - all jewelry just came off. That's a tell of mine - if I'm anxious, jewelry comes off.) To prepare for conference, I had a thought of when I had planted a garden as an effect from weeding - there were SO many weeds in my backyard, that when I pulled them all out - it looked like perfectly tilled soil, so - why not! And I did - it was stellar and I loved it! Well, my question for Father was: what do I need to weed out of my life in order to grow into who I'm meant to become? Fear.
Fear - Gospel answers on how to erradicate such a disease are: pray. Trust. Read your scriptures. Lean on Him. I don't discount those - but I AM human, this is part of the whole human experience. I've been in counseling for...6? of the past 7 years from shortly after my former husband declared divorce through the present. It has been SUCH a blessing, I have evolved much and have done MUCH weeding. But - ya know something? I think the weeds that have been pulled are those little ones....you know the ones - the one's that you just give a gentle tug and - oop! there they are, and they cease to exist. What's left are those grand-daddy weeds you need to dig up - the ones that are HUGE in their root system and you know if you're not careful, you can yank that puppy out but it'll come back if you don't demolish it - obliterate it down beneath the soil.
One of those weeds in my life....fear. Fear from a lifetime of trauma. There, I said it. Life has been filled with good...and there are those moments ...well, trauma. Things inflicted upon my being by outside forces who were supposed to protect, nurture, guide - teach me how to be a human... a spouse who followed the same pattern and a close friend who followed as well. FORTUNATELY - that counseling/therapy - whatever you want to call it - those patterns are getting thwarted and are becoming extinct...but what remains ...it could be devastating to the soul.
"Don't let your emotions control you," "If you knew you wouldn't fail, what would you do?" "Fear isn't real, don't let it control you" - but - HOW? How do you apply these things? How do you find your brave? HOW do you channel the confidence that the Lord has in you and trust Him that He has your back when you've had a lifetime of forced independence that so often found you with knives sticking out of your back - the scars that are still there, the scabs barely formed ...and re-opening of some wounds?
I recently had become frustrated with a friend and asked, "What price are you willing to pay for your fear?" It's LEGITAMATELY paralyzing - but how do you learn to walk again? #sparkleon
